a kenny chesney favorite that i am trying to embody:
he left maine cause he needed a change and he was desperate to rearrange his priorities and he thought the sea would be the best place to be..
now he's an island boy..living his life where stress is the enemy...
now he's an island boy..a stones throw from st. croix...
HE'S FINALLY FOUND HIS PIECE OF SERENITY
i realized i lived on the coast full time at one point and i didn't experience a "life where stress was the enemy". this last year i felt that desperation to rearrange my own priorities - at least mentally. the sea was the best place for me. now my commitment is to make this an internal state of mind...not bound by my physical surroundings.
i have come to realize that there is a certain type of soul that is ministered to by the salty air and i am one of those souls. i can close my eyes and hear the waves...i have my shells by my computer and my picture of my toes in the sand...i can live my life -wherever i am- like the island boy. i can choose my peace of serenity in my heart and soul. i am going to claim that choice.
aren't i really just a stones throw from...
Wednesday, November 19, 2008
Saturday, November 8, 2008
kenny chesney, sand and my books
these are the jewels that helped me mark the passage into 40. they are all dear to me and hopefully as i share my musings from this sojourn into the unknown you will enjoy my neuroses.
Afraid of reality 11-08-08
As I sit about to leave the salty air, sway of palms and my foray into solitude I find myself scared. I though I would be afraid of being alone…all alone...but here I sit more afraid of re-integration. The solace my soul has found is nice. I feel I have a personal rhythm, a peace, a balance-a gentle rhythm. I have still experienced family interactions, professional responsibilities (ok, much reduced) and creative and spiritual pursuits but on my own terms, not pressured but paced. All were more enjoyable in my own rhythm.
Is this possible to maintain? When I go home will I become someone else? Will I become my old self, please not her. I find myself almost in tears but they won’t come. I am paralyzed and not committed to mourning this ending but apprehensive about the new beginning.
I miss my family and can’t wait to see them. I wish the reunion were her and not there. I know intellectually even if they came here it would cease to be my rhythm and would become ours; albeit a little warmer than our rhythm in the mid-west but still no longer my own.
Was I meant to have my own rhythm? Should I set the rhythm for my family and things might be more peaceful? Maybe I already do and I am the one who creates the chaos? How do I stop the madness? Maybe solitude always meant to be temporary? I believe the sum of the parts is better than just one of the parts so how does this fit with my conflicting desires for having it all and wanting none of it if it is chaotic.
What am I really afraid of? That which is unknown? I don’t know how to be 40 year old Kingdom builder, wife, mother, professional, friend, sister, and daughter. I am convinced the peace I had in my soul this week would aid me in all these relationships I hold so dear. I don’t want to be paralyzed by my fear and don’t want to set false expectations. I wish I had a peace about my peace.
One of the books I read asked what is “your word”, which best describes you. Like “sex” describes Italy? Mine was “dark & twisty” for the last 6 months. Dark and twisty isn’t all bad. It is interesting, introspective but sometimes tiring. My husband told our children he was thankful mommy only turns 40 once. I decided late in the week I would change my word. Mine would be “tide”. I so want to embrace the ebb and flows of my life. Both the incoming and the outgoing of the sea each reveal their own unique beauty.
I pray for grace to ebb and flow…and not be afraid.
Afraid of reality 11-08-08
As I sit about to leave the salty air, sway of palms and my foray into solitude I find myself scared. I though I would be afraid of being alone…all alone...but here I sit more afraid of re-integration. The solace my soul has found is nice. I feel I have a personal rhythm, a peace, a balance-a gentle rhythm. I have still experienced family interactions, professional responsibilities (ok, much reduced) and creative and spiritual pursuits but on my own terms, not pressured but paced. All were more enjoyable in my own rhythm.
Is this possible to maintain? When I go home will I become someone else? Will I become my old self, please not her. I find myself almost in tears but they won’t come. I am paralyzed and not committed to mourning this ending but apprehensive about the new beginning.
I miss my family and can’t wait to see them. I wish the reunion were her and not there. I know intellectually even if they came here it would cease to be my rhythm and would become ours; albeit a little warmer than our rhythm in the mid-west but still no longer my own.
Was I meant to have my own rhythm? Should I set the rhythm for my family and things might be more peaceful? Maybe I already do and I am the one who creates the chaos? How do I stop the madness? Maybe solitude always meant to be temporary? I believe the sum of the parts is better than just one of the parts so how does this fit with my conflicting desires for having it all and wanting none of it if it is chaotic.
What am I really afraid of? That which is unknown? I don’t know how to be 40 year old Kingdom builder, wife, mother, professional, friend, sister, and daughter. I am convinced the peace I had in my soul this week would aid me in all these relationships I hold so dear. I don’t want to be paralyzed by my fear and don’t want to set false expectations. I wish I had a peace about my peace.
One of the books I read asked what is “your word”, which best describes you. Like “sex” describes Italy? Mine was “dark & twisty” for the last 6 months. Dark and twisty isn’t all bad. It is interesting, introspective but sometimes tiring. My husband told our children he was thankful mommy only turns 40 once. I decided late in the week I would change my word. Mine would be “tide”. I so want to embrace the ebb and flows of my life. Both the incoming and the outgoing of the sea each reveal their own unique beauty.
I pray for grace to ebb and flow…and not be afraid.
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